The Grind of Life

It's Monday morning and the busy life of managing a family starts to weigh on me- or having 2nd child really adds more burden in every aspect of our lives. Our marriage has been a bit shaky and it is being challenged even more; my temper gets short with Ryan and I realized I have become more physical with him when it comes to discipline. I have even slapped him a few times in the heat of anger. I saw the effect of it that I finally had to apologize to him and realize that I really needed help to hold it in. The verse about not exacerbate our children really hit me cause I saw the raw rage that came out of him. I even asked him what made me more mad and he confirmed to me that hitting his behind is a world of difference than slapping his face. I must end it yesterday.

Little Katelyn growing slowly but surely. Now the 3rd-child wave has already hit the chinese side and I find my heart starting to wander. I have to keep reminding myself not only to be content but to trust that God knows best what everyone of us need and can handle. I need to keep my eyes focus upward and not around me. To conceive and bear a child could be the easiest part but I realize to raise up a god-fearing child is a whole different thing. How am I doing with just one? two? I need to remind myself to be constantly be content with what God has already blessed me. Even though I probably would not go full length to prevent another child but I definitely will not let myself be entangled or burdened by it. My focus ought to be upward, my marriage, and the little sinners.

A conversation with a couple older parents this weekend also help remind me the life skills that I need to start training Ryan on even at his age. (Yes, feeding an infant is comparatively the easier task.) So, I started him on making his bed, changing toilet paper, and folding his clothes. Next we need to work on alarm clock and changing his clothes on his own. They also help affirmed that character building is far more important than anything else. One of them mentioned that she constantly told her kids that she is responsible for the health of their body, heart, and soul through college. It really hit me especially the heart part since I have felt alot of guilt about the slapping episode. An another article posted of fb was also timely in reminding me the heartache that we feel as young mothers shall pass so fast that we should cherish even the most annoying, frustrating things that these little ones do.

So, with that perspective, hope this Monday will pass with joy and peace!

Winning and Losing

As usual, we do family time on Wednesdays and Ryan loves it not because of the bible/prayer time, but the board game afterward. We recently started on a jr. version of scrabble and he absolutely loves it. Ryan is very quick to learning strategies. He is definitely good at scheming things. But his downfall comes when he feels like he is losing. The other night, when charles and I both got points and he still didn't get any, he refused to play a letter that potentially can get him points later. Simply, he just ignored the rules when his winning chance was threatened. There was a big hooblah that followed with crying, tantrum, and the whole 9 yard. Then after he calmed down and I stopped whooping him; all of a sudden, I understood why he acted up this time but not before (he always get a point too just like us before having to face that issue). I know he get that part from me...not a good loser. So, I had to explain to him that ending the game would be more painful that losing; no one would play with him who broke rules. But it is another thought that probably help him more - being behind does not equal to losing; I tell him when that happens, remind himself that as long as the game is not over yet, I can still win. I hope he will learn from it or he will lose more in life.

Family and holidays

The Chinese new year is unusually late this year. Interestingly it will coincide with valentine's day. It is strange that lately I have started to feel more nostalgic about being with family (immediate or not, like-able or not). Perhaps I am getting old? I am not quite sure. The thought of living here long term without families (not even a distant cousin, so sad) isn't very heartwarming right now. I don't know what to do or can do about it. But it definitely makes me think about how I will spend time around holiday this year. It also makes me realize how painful for those who spends it alone. I pray that God will bring them to my thoughts to reach to them.

Dad called just to let me know they were having a reunion dinner. So, I called them around dinner time and it was nice to hear the crowd there. I am glad for auntie who now is part of the family and I am sure she enjoys the atmosphere. That's what family is all about.

2nd Month

It's hard to believe but little mui mui has grown right under our eyes. She can actually fit into the 0-3 months clothes. She seems to be more responsive when I 'talk' to her. She even sucked her thumb last night! But honestly though, I really cannot remember much of this period with Ryan. It seems such a blur right now. But I hope by journaling it, I can remember it more in the future. Oh thank goodness mui mui is turning lighter on her skin (phew!). But she is still such a light sleeper that she needs to be held. Or is it that she is spoiled of being held. Who knows. I guess I am a little bit lax about the rules this time around.

Lately I have been thinking about what it is that God wants me to do being a SAHM again besides taking care of the family. I did discover a new passion which is to make all kinds of soups! Well, I thought about ppl that God might want me to minister to. Then just the other night, I took Ryan to Awana and stayed behind for the first time with bb; my ex cubbie's parent also stayed behind and we started talking - for the whole night. We eventually turned from talking about work and kids to Christianity. It darned on me that this is what being a christian is about..to testify for Him. So, I need to purposely pray for opportunity to follow up with her. Then My and Alex's family has been on my mind. I just pray for somehow being a blessing in their stressful life at this time.

For the housing project, while I cannot turn the clock back and not do it any more; I just pray that some how He'd be glorified through the process of building as well as after it is done. I really do not desire the house. The grandiose of it does not excite me. I just need a practical place to live. But again I cannot change what has been decided, I just pray for His mercy. If it is not meant to be, God make it so; if it is, reveal to me how you want to use it.