Last time I felt like life just turned its light off in seconds was when I went under NO2 during the IVF cycle procedure. Tonight, I had a similar experience only that it was more frightening than before - because this time was completely unexpected. We were just about done with dinner at a restaurant. As I was getting up to gather the belongings and to pay the bills, I suddenly felt a sharp stomach pain and then my head felt dizzy while the legs started to give out. At that moment, a waitress already came up and asked if I needed help because I already appeared to be fainting. I regained my consciousness quickly but my ears were still ringing. I told them I needed to go to the bathroom cause I knew I wouldn't make it home with the stomach issue. I was a bit afraid to go in there by myself. What if I really fainted in there? I had a severe bout of diarrhea and I knew I had to get the junk out of my system in order to feel better. The bad stomach issue was probably attributed to the soiled lunch I finished for Ryan just couple days before. The tofu in the warmer probably started to ferment as it was lukewarmed. Yeah, it was not very bright of me. I guess I thought I was strong enough to stomach that. The fact that I am currently on my heaviest menstrual cycle certainly did not help with my condition. Sigh, I just felt old all of a sudden.
For a while now, I am also bothered by this skin issue on my neck. I have delayed in seeing a doctor and it is not getting better. I believe it is a ezcema. It is itchy, stingy, and it started to discolored and spread further.
Yup, all of the above health experiences recently only affirm the notion that life is short. I must live it to the fullest each day.
Showing posts with label Random Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random Thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Turning 38
I don't know why but as one gets older, birthday doesn't seem to be a welcoming day. Perhaps as I inch closer to a different decade, it is even more so. Maybe the best way to think about it is to just be grateful for what I have - family and health. Suddenly now I think of my mom when she was my age, what she faced in life. It was around that time that she brought all 3 of us to the US by herself to start a new life. She worked in the US for a while and brought Joshua back to stay in HK leaving the daughters in the US. I cannot imagine what anguish she had to go through in making those decisions. As I think about the trial that I face now, no matter how small or big, I am just thankful that I don't have to go through it alone. So, as I turned 38, I shall continue to look up for guidance to where He wants us to go and do. I probably need to let go of a few things and make up my mind to acquire a few others. I should at least find some joy on my own birthday.....
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Gentleness
It is so true that one learns the most when they teach esp. when it comes to spiritual matters. This morning, I talked about the fruit of gentleness. The more I told the kids what it meant, the more I was convicted. The best definition I came across so far is gentleness is 'power under perfect control'. My biggest challenge is definitely when it comes to dealing with Ryan. His lazy eating habits (guess whose fault is that), his easily being distracted, etc etc. One truth that it came to me as I was teaching was that the other person is blinded to the truth when it is not told in a gentle way. How many times Ryan acted worse than before when I became loud about the truth I was trying to tell him. All I have to do is to change/lower my tone of voice and he would listen. argh! I need to pray more that I can keep that power under control. It is so hard not to lose it; but that's why I need to pray!
More Kids?
As I looked at the baby gears that Katelyn will soon grow out, I could not help but ponder what to do with them. Do I donate them all now or save them for just in case. I have no idea yet. Trying to fulfill the role of a submissive wife, I should not purposely want any more kids. Charles is quite content at this point. Often time, I am too. I am already very blessed. As Ryan will begin elementary school tomorrow, the burden to raise him as he grows older seems to become heavier and heavier. It makes me realize that unless I am ready to nurture and parent another child....the excitement of getting pregnant and giving birth is so short lived but the rearing of a child is a life time commitment. When I think of that, I can say with peace that I am good for now. Really.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
My sickness
It has literally been years since I got sick and requires medication (last time was giving birth, so it doesn’t count). So when the fever started on thurs night, I fought it off; but then it came back a couple days later and I had to let the in-law family know. As a result, I was advised max strength Tylenol after the thermometer read 102C. as a nursing mom, I reluctantly took it. By Sunday morning, I was still feeling bad and by then thermometer registered 104.5C! I dared not to tell them the 0.5c but the high fever was alarming enough to set me off to more actions. So besides being seen by doctor brother-in-law (BIL), I had to seek out my drug dealer cousin in Chicago especially after taking Tylenol, my interim temp was still hanging at 103c. So, I suggested that may be I need a different med like ibuprofen which Dr BIL did bring over that afternoon. During the whole time, I seriously thought I was ‘dying’ and begged the good lord not to take me away yet. (yup, I had to remind Him of how young the kids are)
When Dr BIL brought some heavy duty stuff – 800 mg Motrin or prescription grade ibuprofen. I thought to myself I can’t pop that in!!! Last time when I experienced serious pain after delivery, the med was only 600 mg! So I insisted on cutting it in half! Meanwhile, he held out an antibiotic pill and suggested that I would take it due to my high fever (just in case); again, I haven’t had those in like forever and I really hate to pass that on to the bb. But I weighed between my being alive and the bb temporary impact, I had to choose to live first.
By Monday, I felt much better. But my temp still red at 102c and just would not break. I up’ed the med to 600 mg. The entire day I felt fine even though I was carrying 101-102c. By then, I thought to myself, either this fever is real (which will be bad since I know persistent fever is usually an indication of some serious underlying illnesses) or this fever is not real at all. So I ask for a different thermometer before I drug myself (and the bb) again.
So, in the end, I did have a bout of viral infection but my real temperature was erroneously measured 2-3C higher than what it really is. And yes, that darn thing went to the garbage can real fast.
Gosh, what did I learn from all of this. Or I mean should there be a lesson in every illness? Probably not, but the fact that I rarely got sick and I was made believed that I was really sick led to a few things that I think only God meant it to be……
- My sister-in-law had to take the kids to VBS on the first day. Otherwise, she would not have a chance to step into that church cause I was the designated driver for the whole week. Because of her being there, she was able to witness the VBS director gracefully accepted both boys into the VBS program even though their names, for whatever reason, were not shown in the roster. This, by the way, is Ryan’s cousin’s first ever VBS and it was my hope to introduce him while we happened to be in town (that church is so close to their house!)
- I got to see in laws family pulled together to help out….they took Ryan to sleepover and washed baby. They made special soup for me etc.
God is sovereign and good. But still get an accurate thermometer in the meantime!
When Dr BIL brought some heavy duty stuff – 800 mg Motrin or prescription grade ibuprofen. I thought to myself I can’t pop that in!!! Last time when I experienced serious pain after delivery, the med was only 600 mg! So I insisted on cutting it in half! Meanwhile, he held out an antibiotic pill and suggested that I would take it due to my high fever (just in case); again, I haven’t had those in like forever and I really hate to pass that on to the bb. But I weighed between my being alive and the bb temporary impact, I had to choose to live first.
By Monday, I felt much better. But my temp still red at 102c and just would not break. I up’ed the med to 600 mg. The entire day I felt fine even though I was carrying 101-102c. By then, I thought to myself, either this fever is real (which will be bad since I know persistent fever is usually an indication of some serious underlying illnesses) or this fever is not real at all. So I ask for a different thermometer before I drug myself (and the bb) again.
So, in the end, I did have a bout of viral infection but my real temperature was erroneously measured 2-3C higher than what it really is. And yes, that darn thing went to the garbage can real fast.
Gosh, what did I learn from all of this. Or I mean should there be a lesson in every illness? Probably not, but the fact that I rarely got sick and I was made believed that I was really sick led to a few things that I think only God meant it to be……
- My sister-in-law had to take the kids to VBS on the first day. Otherwise, she would not have a chance to step into that church cause I was the designated driver for the whole week. Because of her being there, she was able to witness the VBS director gracefully accepted both boys into the VBS program even though their names, for whatever reason, were not shown in the roster. This, by the way, is Ryan’s cousin’s first ever VBS and it was my hope to introduce him while we happened to be in town (that church is so close to their house!)
- I got to see in laws family pulled together to help out….they took Ryan to sleepover and washed baby. They made special soup for me etc.
God is sovereign and good. But still get an accurate thermometer in the meantime!
Positive Mom and Wife
Positive wife and mom…
Just started reading this book that Linda gave me years ago called ‘Power of a Positive Wife’. I never bother reading it cause I knew what she would say. I still don’t feel the closeness as he and I chat on the phone. I mean I don’t even want to talk for long cause things I know I should ask/chitchat about, for some reason, my lips just would not budge. Of course after started reading the book, I realize that I have not asked Him to help me for a long long time.
In spite of my spouse’s shortcomings, I need to be supportive. I realize Ryan takes after me when it comes to being a pessimist – I thought I lost a toy at a restaurant and when we went back to retrieve it and couldn’t find it, he said ‘Why did you leave it there?’ It is no surprise to me that he is like that but it strikes me that how I have been just like him to Charles! And it is annoying! So, I need to pray for my son and constantly remind him what not to say in an already bad situation. While I need to teach him to be positive, I must live it too.
Secondly, during my bout of sickness, he got to sleepover at the cousin’s house. His excitement in going there and lack of concern for my well-being was very disappointing to me. I could not figure out why. I thought he was a pretty loving son! Again, I realize that I really have not been positive with him like praising him for his first drawing after art class, asking him about his VBS, finding out about his time at the cousin’s? I did none of that!!! Granted this boy is no angel and he really is still quite self-centered; but in spite of that, I need to be a positive mom first.
------
after years of struggling to untangle the communication web in this family, I finally got it. They don’t talk or plan things as I thought or expected they would!! I need to do that part myself! I also realized that they don’t always have the answers, I can and need to hold my ground as well. After 11 years, you hope it is not too late.
Just started reading this book that Linda gave me years ago called ‘Power of a Positive Wife’. I never bother reading it cause I knew what she would say. I still don’t feel the closeness as he and I chat on the phone. I mean I don’t even want to talk for long cause things I know I should ask/chitchat about, for some reason, my lips just would not budge. Of course after started reading the book, I realize that I have not asked Him to help me for a long long time.
In spite of my spouse’s shortcomings, I need to be supportive. I realize Ryan takes after me when it comes to being a pessimist – I thought I lost a toy at a restaurant and when we went back to retrieve it and couldn’t find it, he said ‘Why did you leave it there?’ It is no surprise to me that he is like that but it strikes me that how I have been just like him to Charles! And it is annoying! So, I need to pray for my son and constantly remind him what not to say in an already bad situation. While I need to teach him to be positive, I must live it too.
Secondly, during my bout of sickness, he got to sleepover at the cousin’s house. His excitement in going there and lack of concern for my well-being was very disappointing to me. I could not figure out why. I thought he was a pretty loving son! Again, I realize that I really have not been positive with him like praising him for his first drawing after art class, asking him about his VBS, finding out about his time at the cousin’s? I did none of that!!! Granted this boy is no angel and he really is still quite self-centered; but in spite of that, I need to be a positive mom first.
------
after years of struggling to untangle the communication web in this family, I finally got it. They don’t talk or plan things as I thought or expected they would!! I need to do that part myself! I also realized that they don’t always have the answers, I can and need to hold my ground as well. After 11 years, you hope it is not too late.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Precious
Sometimes you never know what you will learn browsing through facebook. I was just thinking of a family who I consider really beautiful people. So, I searched for them on facebook and I noticed most of the photos were not there anymore. What caught my eyes were a link to carepages which I know it frequently used as a sharing platform for people who have serious illnesses. Out of curiosity, I dug up my old password and login and started searching and what I found shocked and saddened me.
My friends - really acquaintances - have two beautiful daughters and I know they have had a share of fertility issues. The carepage was for their 2nd daughter and it recorded the journey of the diagnosis of her inoperable tumor (by her own physician dad) and her courage to live to the end. She left at the age of 7. I am sure I would be saddened for anyone who dies young but this hit home harder probably because I had met her before. The parents seem to be very strong and have been dealing with it with tremendous faith. I hope and pray that her wish to have another child will come true.
On the other hand, as I reflect on the loss of this young life, it reminds me that while we so concerned ourselves with the things of this world that our children need to learn (be it academic, music, or sports), perhaps we should keep in mind to ensure their spiritual life and salvation is secured as early as possible. It also darned on me just now that as a teacher of preschoolers, I have a huge responsibility in leading these kids to the truth. That is something not being taken lightly. May the Lord help me and constantly remind me of the important mission.
My friends - really acquaintances - have two beautiful daughters and I know they have had a share of fertility issues. The carepage was for their 2nd daughter and it recorded the journey of the diagnosis of her inoperable tumor (by her own physician dad) and her courage to live to the end. She left at the age of 7. I am sure I would be saddened for anyone who dies young but this hit home harder probably because I had met her before. The parents seem to be very strong and have been dealing with it with tremendous faith. I hope and pray that her wish to have another child will come true.
On the other hand, as I reflect on the loss of this young life, it reminds me that while we so concerned ourselves with the things of this world that our children need to learn (be it academic, music, or sports), perhaps we should keep in mind to ensure their spiritual life and salvation is secured as early as possible. It also darned on me just now that as a teacher of preschoolers, I have a huge responsibility in leading these kids to the truth. That is something not being taken lightly. May the Lord help me and constantly remind me of the important mission.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Family and holidays
The Chinese new year is unusually late this year. Interestingly it will coincide with valentine's day. It is strange that lately I have started to feel more nostalgic about being with family (immediate or not, like-able or not). Perhaps I am getting old? I am not quite sure. The thought of living here long term without families (not even a distant cousin, so sad) isn't very heartwarming right now. I don't know what to do or can do about it. But it definitely makes me think about how I will spend time around holiday this year. It also makes me realize how painful for those who spends it alone. I pray that God will bring them to my thoughts to reach to them.
Dad called just to let me know they were having a reunion dinner. So, I called them around dinner time and it was nice to hear the crowd there. I am glad for auntie who now is part of the family and I am sure she enjoys the atmosphere. That's what family is all about.
Dad called just to let me know they were having a reunion dinner. So, I called them around dinner time and it was nice to hear the crowd there. I am glad for auntie who now is part of the family and I am sure she enjoys the atmosphere. That's what family is all about.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Random Thoughts for month of Sept!
It's hard to believe Sept is drawing to an end. So much has happened since my last entry....so let's see how much I rememeber..
Ryan:
The little guy finally started kindergarten at Veritas. He loves the uniform and so into wearing a belt. I don't think neither Charles or I was too sentimental about him going to real school....we were more concerned about getting there on time! Which we finally was late for a minute today. He is also very into the traffic light behavial rating that he gets daily. He loves getting green light :). So, I try using this at home for his morning routine and so far it's not all that successful; he still has a hard time to get ready in the morning.
The school is small and I was shocked to see my ex BSF leader on the first day. She actually brought all her 3 sons to the school after keeping them at home for a few years. Later on, we chatted up and found out they are also in the construction business. What a small world. But we are not making any meaningful connection on that yet......other parents are okay...the chinese ones seem a lot odd? I find myself not being very social in the parent circle...perhaps because in the back of my mind, we will not be there for the long haul.
Ryan also started Chinese school on Fri nights. Again, it is hard to find myself mingle with the Taiwanese (mostly) parents. We have been trying to take advantage of the night off to hang out. So far, just once!
Our Sat is the regular Awana night and Sunday evening is choir....plus the Sat soccer and volleyball, we really don't have too much time left. So, time really has flown by.
House:
It's not progressing as well as we'd like with the current architect. Maybe he is indeed as bad as my brother commented about him. So, we have been looking around and actually found some interesting lead. Really need to pray for wisdom on how to proceed from here. Sometimes this whole ordeal as I view it really gets to me and I vented on him. I am just not ready to make decision on thousands or dollars; and the thought of going through this for at least a year from now seems so grueling.....so it's so conflicting for me....I want to be supportive and yet I am stressed by it. I know I cannot walk away from it either....so, I feel like I am stuck in this project. Sigh.
Church
Doing Sat night these days really makes me feel it physically. Having to continue with Sunday morning for at least another month....I don't know...I just don't want to be I-can-do-it-all....someone even gave me material to start something with the kids on Sunday and my first thought was hello?! do I look like I have nothing else to do? but i got two girls interested anyways...I don't know how I can follow up with them. People seem to care and yet no too many actually do something about it. I wonder how long I will last before I become bitter which is a state I never want to be in. I am trying to avoid getting there as much as I can.
Work
It's work. I was shocked they actually cancelled the Nov shutdown citing things are slowly improving. But I have a feeling that once the reinstate the salary and eliminate the shutdown, they will have a substantial layoff first before that happens. So, we will see. I am not worried or I should say I cannot worry too much since it is absolutely out of my control. People ask me about what happen after the baby comes, I honestly have no idea. I think the only certainty is that I don't want to work full time. Beyond that, I have no clue. I just trust that He will guide the way when the time comes.
Friends on my heart....
- Visited Evie finally a couple weeks ago. She looked great considering what she had gone through. Pastor was upbeat even though he had to quit his job to help out. I admire her steadfastness...I can sense her surendering to His will and sovereignty. Not so much 'why me'; but somehow just found the strength to live and (homeschool!). I just pray for her suffering to be lessened and this illness be rid from her body soon.
- Alex and My's situation also weighs in my heart. She has opened up to me about her struggles and I feel just as helpless not knowing how to lessen their pain. I so wish they can see God in all of this....and so one day they will know without a doubt that He has carried them through and He was molding both of them in the process. So, besides praying and being there for them, we will probably feed them!
- Irona's coworker gave birth to a 3 month pre-mature baby and prior to that her husband just had a surgery for his cancer....not even mentioning it took them years to conceive.....I honestly don't know why they are being tried so heavily but the only thing I can hang on to is that He won't give us more than we can handle. I know the baby has been striving and doing well; I can sense that God is making them incredible witness for Him. I hope to visit the baby one day.
Moments with Ryan...
Today out of the blue we talked about life and death while we were driving....something about when mom and dad grow older and ryan said "I don't want you to die cause I won't see you again." I had to remind him of course mommy wants to be with you as long as she can but we will see each other in heaven. It was so poignant that it makes me realize how much I need to treasure my moments with him. Life is unpredictable...
Ryan:
The little guy finally started kindergarten at Veritas. He loves the uniform and so into wearing a belt. I don't think neither Charles or I was too sentimental about him going to real school....we were more concerned about getting there on time! Which we finally was late for a minute today. He is also very into the traffic light behavial rating that he gets daily. He loves getting green light :). So, I try using this at home for his morning routine and so far it's not all that successful; he still has a hard time to get ready in the morning.
The school is small and I was shocked to see my ex BSF leader on the first day. She actually brought all her 3 sons to the school after keeping them at home for a few years. Later on, we chatted up and found out they are also in the construction business. What a small world. But we are not making any meaningful connection on that yet......other parents are okay...the chinese ones seem a lot odd? I find myself not being very social in the parent circle...perhaps because in the back of my mind, we will not be there for the long haul.
Ryan also started Chinese school on Fri nights. Again, it is hard to find myself mingle with the Taiwanese (mostly) parents. We have been trying to take advantage of the night off to hang out. So far, just once!
Our Sat is the regular Awana night and Sunday evening is choir....plus the Sat soccer and volleyball, we really don't have too much time left. So, time really has flown by.
House:
It's not progressing as well as we'd like with the current architect. Maybe he is indeed as bad as my brother commented about him. So, we have been looking around and actually found some interesting lead. Really need to pray for wisdom on how to proceed from here. Sometimes this whole ordeal as I view it really gets to me and I vented on him. I am just not ready to make decision on thousands or dollars; and the thought of going through this for at least a year from now seems so grueling.....so it's so conflicting for me....I want to be supportive and yet I am stressed by it. I know I cannot walk away from it either....so, I feel like I am stuck in this project. Sigh.
Church
Doing Sat night these days really makes me feel it physically. Having to continue with Sunday morning for at least another month....I don't know...I just don't want to be I-can-do-it-all....someone even gave me material to start something with the kids on Sunday and my first thought was hello?! do I look like I have nothing else to do? but i got two girls interested anyways...I don't know how I can follow up with them. People seem to care and yet no too many actually do something about it. I wonder how long I will last before I become bitter which is a state I never want to be in. I am trying to avoid getting there as much as I can.
Work
It's work. I was shocked they actually cancelled the Nov shutdown citing things are slowly improving. But I have a feeling that once the reinstate the salary and eliminate the shutdown, they will have a substantial layoff first before that happens. So, we will see. I am not worried or I should say I cannot worry too much since it is absolutely out of my control. People ask me about what happen after the baby comes, I honestly have no idea. I think the only certainty is that I don't want to work full time. Beyond that, I have no clue. I just trust that He will guide the way when the time comes.
Friends on my heart....
- Visited Evie finally a couple weeks ago. She looked great considering what she had gone through. Pastor was upbeat even though he had to quit his job to help out. I admire her steadfastness...I can sense her surendering to His will and sovereignty. Not so much 'why me'; but somehow just found the strength to live and (homeschool!). I just pray for her suffering to be lessened and this illness be rid from her body soon.
- Alex and My's situation also weighs in my heart. She has opened up to me about her struggles and I feel just as helpless not knowing how to lessen their pain. I so wish they can see God in all of this....and so one day they will know without a doubt that He has carried them through and He was molding both of them in the process. So, besides praying and being there for them, we will probably feed them!
- Irona's coworker gave birth to a 3 month pre-mature baby and prior to that her husband just had a surgery for his cancer....not even mentioning it took them years to conceive.....I honestly don't know why they are being tried so heavily but the only thing I can hang on to is that He won't give us more than we can handle. I know the baby has been striving and doing well; I can sense that God is making them incredible witness for Him. I hope to visit the baby one day.
Moments with Ryan...
Today out of the blue we talked about life and death while we were driving....something about when mom and dad grow older and ryan said "I don't want you to die cause I won't see you again." I had to remind him of course mommy wants to be with you as long as she can but we will see each other in heaven. It was so poignant that it makes me realize how much I need to treasure my moments with him. Life is unpredictable...
Monday, July 27, 2009
Just random things
Oh it's been over a month since my last post....so I am hoping to jot down some random thoughts before I forget!
Baby
- Everything is going well so far. We opted for the 2 genetic testings without NT and thankfully the result is negative. I am just grateful for not having to go through the stress of ammio as in my other friends. The wait they had to go through is quite dreadful. I hope sheirman's baby will be fine for the rest of testing.
- Kudos to Dr. Inouye again. During the 2nd apt, he had a hard trying to locate the heart beat; so instead of alarming me, he just got the ultrasound machine and found the little bean that way.
- Coming to almost 19 weeks, I have been able to feel the bean fluttering in my tummy. I am still in awe of it esp. I was watching some video clips of fetus growth. Seeing how the glob of substance just grow into a complex creature can only be the work of an all powerful God.
- Today we went to visit Eve and Stan's newborn. Boy, seeing her labor through the round the clock schedule brought back alot of memory. I really almost forgot about how hard it was during the first couple weeks.
- Tonight we had Irona and Eric over for a chat. Somehow we got to the topic of getting pregnant and we started sharing our story with them. It really reminded me of a greater responsibility that we have to share this testimony because indeed we have learned so much from it. Pray that they will not have to go through all these trials but just have the baby at His timing.
- Oh I also went through a rough patch with another couple who have had a tough time getting preg with 2nd. We did not share the news with them timing but they already have the knowledge. So, being on the other side of the fence, I knew exactly what not to do. She was kinda cold and nonchalant to both of us; but I know I cannot shy away from that. So, I mustered up some strength and wrote them an email to share the news and also to apologized for the delay in telling them. All is fine now (at least I don't feel the tension on my side anymore). I wish my rough relationship with another couple could end the same way. But never have I felt like they really reached out to me at all. So, still praying how to end the in-passe.
Ryan
- Thank God Ryan's willingness to speak Chinese has improved greatly after going to summer school. He memorized alot of poems and recited them proudly. We just need to be more disciplined ourselves in speaking to them in Chinese and making him speak at the same time.
- The other day while we were playing balloon in the living, all of a sudden he just stopped and started cleaning the living room. It was the most hilarious thing. He went on for at least 10 min. before picking up the racket again.
- My latest lesson with a 5 yr old is to relentlessly dig up the reason why they throw a tandrum. It really helps clear up misunderstanding on both sides. One good example was he got all upset because I did not let him eat snack before dinner. So, after he calmed down from his tandrum, I explained to him that he could get a snack if it is 30 min. before meal time. So, I instructed him to ask me about the timing next time. You know what, he got it. He now asks me about the timing and we both don't need to get upset.
- The other day he was screaming when his dad asked him to come out of a bath. After they both calm down, I explained to him screaming was not the right behavior and he needed to apologize; meanwhile, if he wanted to stay in the tub longer, he could ask nicely for 5 min. instead of screaming. So, understanding the frustration and giving him a tool to express his need is what helps to prevent future episodes.
- Even there are times when I accidentally hurt him while I thought he was just being difficult; so I got a chance to apologize tonight (but I had no idea how I hurt him as he claimed hehe).
House
- God has taught me to be submissive in this one. Rather than fighting it, I have been trying to understand that this rebuilding a house thing could be a blessing. Though the process will not be easy, it will definitely be a growing opportunity for both of us. I am determined to not let it be our stumbling block but one that bound us closer together. We try to pray regularly and specificially for it (which remind me we need to make up prayer tomorrow). To record God's blessing in every step.
Ok, I am getting tired. More to come.
Baby
- Everything is going well so far. We opted for the 2 genetic testings without NT and thankfully the result is negative. I am just grateful for not having to go through the stress of ammio as in my other friends. The wait they had to go through is quite dreadful. I hope sheirman's baby will be fine for the rest of testing.
- Kudos to Dr. Inouye again. During the 2nd apt, he had a hard trying to locate the heart beat; so instead of alarming me, he just got the ultrasound machine and found the little bean that way.
- Coming to almost 19 weeks, I have been able to feel the bean fluttering in my tummy. I am still in awe of it esp. I was watching some video clips of fetus growth. Seeing how the glob of substance just grow into a complex creature can only be the work of an all powerful God.
- Today we went to visit Eve and Stan's newborn. Boy, seeing her labor through the round the clock schedule brought back alot of memory. I really almost forgot about how hard it was during the first couple weeks.
- Tonight we had Irona and Eric over for a chat. Somehow we got to the topic of getting pregnant and we started sharing our story with them. It really reminded me of a greater responsibility that we have to share this testimony because indeed we have learned so much from it. Pray that they will not have to go through all these trials but just have the baby at His timing.
- Oh I also went through a rough patch with another couple who have had a tough time getting preg with 2nd. We did not share the news with them timing but they already have the knowledge. So, being on the other side of the fence, I knew exactly what not to do. She was kinda cold and nonchalant to both of us; but I know I cannot shy away from that. So, I mustered up some strength and wrote them an email to share the news and also to apologized for the delay in telling them. All is fine now (at least I don't feel the tension on my side anymore). I wish my rough relationship with another couple could end the same way. But never have I felt like they really reached out to me at all. So, still praying how to end the in-passe.
Ryan
- Thank God Ryan's willingness to speak Chinese has improved greatly after going to summer school. He memorized alot of poems and recited them proudly. We just need to be more disciplined ourselves in speaking to them in Chinese and making him speak at the same time.
- The other day while we were playing balloon in the living, all of a sudden he just stopped and started cleaning the living room. It was the most hilarious thing. He went on for at least 10 min. before picking up the racket again.
- My latest lesson with a 5 yr old is to relentlessly dig up the reason why they throw a tandrum. It really helps clear up misunderstanding on both sides. One good example was he got all upset because I did not let him eat snack before dinner. So, after he calmed down from his tandrum, I explained to him that he could get a snack if it is 30 min. before meal time. So, I instructed him to ask me about the timing next time. You know what, he got it. He now asks me about the timing and we both don't need to get upset.
- The other day he was screaming when his dad asked him to come out of a bath. After they both calm down, I explained to him screaming was not the right behavior and he needed to apologize; meanwhile, if he wanted to stay in the tub longer, he could ask nicely for 5 min. instead of screaming. So, understanding the frustration and giving him a tool to express his need is what helps to prevent future episodes.
- Even there are times when I accidentally hurt him while I thought he was just being difficult; so I got a chance to apologize tonight (but I had no idea how I hurt him as he claimed hehe).
House
- God has taught me to be submissive in this one. Rather than fighting it, I have been trying to understand that this rebuilding a house thing could be a blessing. Though the process will not be easy, it will definitely be a growing opportunity for both of us. I am determined to not let it be our stumbling block but one that bound us closer together. We try to pray regularly and specificially for it (which remind me we need to make up prayer tomorrow). To record God's blessing in every step.
Ok, I am getting tired. More to come.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Living to the fullest
Since the life-death week that I experienced a couple weeks ago, I am definitely more conscious about letting things go while capturing what is truly important in life. At the end of last week, I got up on a Saturday morning unusually early and I was just filled with the urge to talk to my family in HK. I called my cousin who just had a baby and then her mom. It was good to know that they are doing fine and just excited about the new born. Then my last call was to my dad. The fellowship I had the night before with the Valley ladies reminded me about forgiveness does not start until someone says sorry. I asked God to help me so I mustered up some courage (yea it takes some guts to do it) and called my dad. Just told him I was sorry about the way I acted the other day on the phone. He just brushed it off as if he didn't mind about it. I guess that's how we made up.
Osward Chambers “We are not here to prove God answers prayer; we are here to be living monuments of God’s grace.”
I read yesterday the quote above and it really just hit me how often time we as christians focused so much on the first part and forgetting the second part. There is no need for us to prove if God answers prayer; because He does and just may not be the answer we like some times. However, the latter part is really up to us to choose whether to live as a testement to His grace especially while prayers are not answered or while prayers are denied. I know it is hard to do and yet that's the ultimate way to transcent the most painful trial that we may be in.
Osward Chambers “We are not here to prove God answers prayer; we are here to be living monuments of God’s grace.”
I read yesterday the quote above and it really just hit me how often time we as christians focused so much on the first part and forgetting the second part. There is no need for us to prove if God answers prayer; because He does and just may not be the answer we like some times. However, the latter part is really up to us to choose whether to live as a testement to His grace especially while prayers are not answered or while prayers are denied. I know it is hard to do and yet that's the ultimate way to transcent the most painful trial that we may be in.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Life Is Not in Our Hands
Just when I thought the passing of auntie's sister is not shocking enough, I learned today that Pastor Sun's wife, Evie, is diagnosed of an aggressive form of breast cancer. Then Charles' friend's brother also died in a fall this week. I just felt like life just suddenly stands still forcing me to re-examine it as a whole. The only thing I can think of is 1) life is not in our hands and not take anything, any day for granted with love ones; 2) life is too short to live with regrets; let of of grudge and let loose a little; 3) anything and really not to be caught off guard should anything happen to us. God has already shown us many times over that He is in control no matter what life brings. Indeed, we never know what our future holds and should these misfortunate happen to us. But He promises to walk with us no matter what. Meanwhile, live life to its fullest and enjoy love ones while we can. Call them, hug them, visit them...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Life and Death
Just a couple days after our argument, a shocking email came through from Mandy....Auntie's older sister, who was an avid cross country biker, had fallen off and fell in a coma with little chance of survival. I just met her for the first time at the wedding 6 months ago. Who would have though she had only a few months on earth when they said their goodbyes?!
On the same day, Pangela finally broke the news of her pregnancy as well. All of a sudden, things seem to clear by whom life is being controlled. Just a week ago, Queenie gave birth to a little boy in place of her loss just a year ago.
Perhaps the jotting reminder is to really treasure love ones when we are with them. We just never know when our time is up on this earth.
Now, whatever argument we had seem to just fade in time. Dad and auntie are probably busy trying to get to London and take care of things. He alone can provide comfort in times like these.
On the same day, Pangela finally broke the news of her pregnancy as well. All of a sudden, things seem to clear by whom life is being controlled. Just a week ago, Queenie gave birth to a little boy in place of her loss just a year ago.
Perhaps the jotting reminder is to really treasure love ones when we are with them. We just never know when our time is up on this earth.
Now, whatever argument we had seem to just fade in time. Dad and auntie are probably busy trying to get to London and take care of things. He alone can provide comfort in times like these.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
All Things are indeed possible....
Yesterday Mandy called at her usual time and passed on the good news about the birth of Queenie's baby boy. At the time, I was just relieved and joyful to hear about the safe and fast (20 min!) delivery; but I awoke this morning and God reminded me something deeper to rejoice. This little one was born 2 weeks early and barely made it in the month of May. I remember Mandy mentioned about how it would be bitter sweet for the parents that the baby's due date was around the same time as baby nichelle's passing. Isn't God so gracious? I just cannot help but tear up thinking about that. Not only is He gracious in blessing them with this baby boy so soon after what happened but even right down to the birth-He timed it so perfectly. Now the family can have time and space to remember his sister while being free to rejoice for the newborn. Honestly, I didn't even pray to that detail but hey who am I to know =). I hope the parents too will see the hands of God in all of these blessings.
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May 29
Impossible Flowers
"For with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37). Far up in the Alpine hollows, year by year God works one of His marvels. The snow-patches lie there, frozen with ice at their edge from the strife of sunny days and frosty nights; and through that ice-crust come, unscathed, flowers that bloom.
Back in the days of the by-gone summer, the little soldanelle plant spread its leaves wide and flat on the ground, to drink in the sun-rays, and it kept them stored in the root through the winter. Then spring came, and stirred the pulses even below the snow-shroud, and as it sprouted, warmth was given out in such strange measure that it thawed a little dome in the snow above its head. Higher and higher it grew and always above it rose the bell of air, till the flower-bud formed safely within it: and at last the icy covering of the air-bell gave way and let the blossom through into the sunshine, the crystalline texture of its mauve petals sparkling like snow itself as if it bore the traces of the flight through which it had come.
And the fragile thing rings an echo in our hearts that none of the jewel-like flowers nestled in the warm turf on the slopes below could waken. We love to see the impossible done. And so does God. Face it out to the end, cast away every shadow of hope on the human side as an absolute hindrance to the Divine, heap up all the difficulties together recklessly, and pile as many more on as you can find; you cannot get beyond the blessed climax of impossibility. Let faith swing out to Him. He is the God of the impossible. --Selected
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May 29
Impossible Flowers
"For with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37). Far up in the Alpine hollows, year by year God works one of His marvels. The snow-patches lie there, frozen with ice at their edge from the strife of sunny days and frosty nights; and through that ice-crust come, unscathed, flowers that bloom.
Back in the days of the by-gone summer, the little soldanelle plant spread its leaves wide and flat on the ground, to drink in the sun-rays, and it kept them stored in the root through the winter. Then spring came, and stirred the pulses even below the snow-shroud, and as it sprouted, warmth was given out in such strange measure that it thawed a little dome in the snow above its head. Higher and higher it grew and always above it rose the bell of air, till the flower-bud formed safely within it: and at last the icy covering of the air-bell gave way and let the blossom through into the sunshine, the crystalline texture of its mauve petals sparkling like snow itself as if it bore the traces of the flight through which it had come.
And the fragile thing rings an echo in our hearts that none of the jewel-like flowers nestled in the warm turf on the slopes below could waken. We love to see the impossible done. And so does God. Face it out to the end, cast away every shadow of hope on the human side as an absolute hindrance to the Divine, heap up all the difficulties together recklessly, and pile as many more on as you can find; you cannot get beyond the blessed climax of impossibility. Let faith swing out to Him. He is the God of the impossible. --Selected
Saturday, April 25, 2009
As I am reading this devotion, I thought just how true that is.
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April 24
When God Says No
"There hath not failed one word of all his good promise" (1 Kings 8:56).
Some day we shall understand that God has a reason in every NO which He speaks through the slow movement of life. "Somehow God makes up to us." How often, when His people are worrying and perplexing themselves about their prayers not being answered, is God answering them in a far richer way! Glimpses of this we see occasionally, but the full revelation of it remains for the future.
"If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart,And the sunlight is golden, the sky is blue,While the smooth road beckons to me and you,And the song-birds warble as on we go,Pausing to gather the buds at our feet,Stopping to drink of the streamlets we meet,Happy, more happy, our journey will grow,If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart. "If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart,And the clouds hang heavy and dull and gray;If the rough rocks hinder and block the way,While the sharp winds pierce us and sting with cold;Ah, dear, there is home at the journey's end,And these are the trials the Father doth sendTo draw us as sheep to His Heavenly fold,If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart."
Oh for the faith that does not make haste, but waits patiently for the Lord, waits for the explanation that shall come in the end, at the revelation of Jesus Christ! When did God take anything from a man, without giving him manifold more in return? Suppose that the return had not been made immediately manifest, what then? Is today the limit of God's working time? Has He no provinces beyond this little world? Does the door of the grave open upon nothing but infinite darkness and eternal silence ? Yet, even confining the judgment within the hour of this life, it is true that God never touches the heart with a trial without intending to bring upon it some grander gift, some tenderer benediction. He has attained to an eminent degree of Christian grace who knows how to wait. --Selected
When the frosts are in the valley,And the mountain tops are grey,And the choicest buds are blighted,And the blossoms die away,A loving Father whispers,"This cometh from my hand";Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand. If, after years of toiling,Your wealth should fly awayAnd leave your hands all empty,And your locks are turning grey,Remember then your FatherOwns all the sea and land;Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand.--Selected
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April 24
When God Says No
"There hath not failed one word of all his good promise" (1 Kings 8:56).
Some day we shall understand that God has a reason in every NO which He speaks through the slow movement of life. "Somehow God makes up to us." How often, when His people are worrying and perplexing themselves about their prayers not being answered, is God answering them in a far richer way! Glimpses of this we see occasionally, but the full revelation of it remains for the future.
"If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart,And the sunlight is golden, the sky is blue,While the smooth road beckons to me and you,And the song-birds warble as on we go,Pausing to gather the buds at our feet,Stopping to drink of the streamlets we meet,Happy, more happy, our journey will grow,If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart. "If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart,And the clouds hang heavy and dull and gray;If the rough rocks hinder and block the way,While the sharp winds pierce us and sting with cold;Ah, dear, there is home at the journey's end,And these are the trials the Father doth sendTo draw us as sheep to His Heavenly fold,If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart."
Oh for the faith that does not make haste, but waits patiently for the Lord, waits for the explanation that shall come in the end, at the revelation of Jesus Christ! When did God take anything from a man, without giving him manifold more in return? Suppose that the return had not been made immediately manifest, what then? Is today the limit of God's working time? Has He no provinces beyond this little world? Does the door of the grave open upon nothing but infinite darkness and eternal silence ? Yet, even confining the judgment within the hour of this life, it is true that God never touches the heart with a trial without intending to bring upon it some grander gift, some tenderer benediction. He has attained to an eminent degree of Christian grace who knows how to wait. --Selected
When the frosts are in the valley,And the mountain tops are grey,And the choicest buds are blighted,And the blossoms die away,A loving Father whispers,"This cometh from my hand";Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand. If, after years of toiling,Your wealth should fly awayAnd leave your hands all empty,And your locks are turning grey,Remember then your FatherOwns all the sea and land;Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand.--Selected
Monday, April 20, 2009
Whatever is truthful
Just finished 5th week. I never had severe symptoms last time and this has just been the same so far. Just mild nausea on and off; bloated; not much food adversion; just today really felt the breast tenderness. Funny thing is Charles is experiencing more symptoms that me hahaha. So, if I had to wait till June to see Inouye, I guess I just have to take my mind off of it and trusting that everything is in God's hand.
Poor Ryan..one of his front teeth may be dying. He had a run in with a classmate at school. Now dentist just said it would not be a big deal if it is thoroughly dead without infection. I am just praying that is the case. Poor baby.
My dad called late last night to talk about the housing issue. Then I had to tell him cause I probably cannot make it in Dec. So, he went on to complain about Josh and Mandy. Sigh. For Josh, I truly feel like prayer is the only thing I can do for him and perhaps the most powerful one. He intellectually believes in the existence of God but he still lives in his old self. I truly believe that my dad will see God through His work in Josh. I sense that he feels very helpless when it comes to his son.
I am tired. But I still have a call to make for work. I wonder how long I will last.
Poor Ryan..one of his front teeth may be dying. He had a run in with a classmate at school. Now dentist just said it would not be a big deal if it is thoroughly dead without infection. I am just praying that is the case. Poor baby.
My dad called late last night to talk about the housing issue. Then I had to tell him cause I probably cannot make it in Dec. So, he went on to complain about Josh and Mandy. Sigh. For Josh, I truly feel like prayer is the only thing I can do for him and perhaps the most powerful one. He intellectually believes in the existence of God but he still lives in his old self. I truly believe that my dad will see God through His work in Josh. I sense that he feels very helpless when it comes to his son.
I am tired. But I still have a call to make for work. I wonder how long I will last.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
When that $ is lost
When the statement from Charles' investment came last year, it finally confirmed my fear that the untimely investment went down about 50%. It is an area of our lives that I have had the hardest time to avoid bringing up. Partly because I had warned him beforehand and it turned out that I was right. It is difficult to be right and yet still lost in the end. But anyways, what made me want to write this post was not about my lamenting the loss of money; but more about what spiritual effects it has had on me. I remember thinking back then that how great it would be to give away all those money that we recklessly lost to the world to God's kingdom?! So, even in the midst of feeling less wealth off, I was encouraged to be more generous for the kingdom.
Just when I was trying to exercise that thought, I got a quick reminder.....
I may be about to lose out of claiming a few thousands of pre-tax money that I am rightfully entitled to. The case is still in appeal; but I feel like it's the same lesson all over again. I asked God, who do you want me to bless this time? His school came to mind several times. So, here is my promise to God that if the appeal is to my favor, 10% will go to bless the God fearing teachers at his preschool. Meanwhile, I can only pray for a favorable outcome!
Yes, indeed, money is just a mean to make life easier for ourselves and others. It doesn't serve any good purpose if it is just sitting there electronically! (well, of course some rainy day saving is a good advice :)).
Just when I was trying to exercise that thought, I got a quick reminder.....
I may be about to lose out of claiming a few thousands of pre-tax money that I am rightfully entitled to. The case is still in appeal; but I feel like it's the same lesson all over again. I asked God, who do you want me to bless this time? His school came to mind several times. So, here is my promise to God that if the appeal is to my favor, 10% will go to bless the God fearing teachers at his preschool. Meanwhile, I can only pray for a favorable outcome!
Yes, indeed, money is just a mean to make life easier for ourselves and others. It doesn't serve any good purpose if it is just sitting there electronically! (well, of course some rainy day saving is a good advice :)).
Easter Weekend
As it has been for the past couple years, we spent our Good Friday service with the local Valley church. This year I definitely saw a marked difference in how much Ryan understood the service (well, even though he finally fell asleep toward the end). When it was time for communion, we whispered to him that only if he knew Jesus died for him then he could participate. So, he acknowledged and so he did. It was almost another sign of him growing up. Now he goes to bed besides needing the usual book time, he also demands the mommy praying time with him. I wish I could record a child's prayer. It is the most heartfelt and pure thing. As big as wanting a sibling to as trivial as hoping a school friend to behave properly the next day. He says those prayers just as earnestly. Perhaps my own prayers can just be as simple.
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