Random Thoughts for month of Sept!

It's hard to believe Sept is drawing to an end. So much has happened since my last entry....so let's see how much I rememeber..

Ryan:
The little guy finally started kindergarten at Veritas. He loves the uniform and so into wearing a belt. I don't think neither Charles or I was too sentimental about him going to real school....we were more concerned about getting there on time! Which we finally was late for a minute today. He is also very into the traffic light behavial rating that he gets daily. He loves getting green light :). So, I try using this at home for his morning routine and so far it's not all that successful; he still has a hard time to get ready in the morning.

The school is small and I was shocked to see my ex BSF leader on the first day. She actually brought all her 3 sons to the school after keeping them at home for a few years. Later on, we chatted up and found out they are also in the construction business. What a small world. But we are not making any meaningful connection on that yet......other parents are okay...the chinese ones seem a lot odd? I find myself not being very social in the parent circle...perhaps because in the back of my mind, we will not be there for the long haul.

Ryan also started Chinese school on Fri nights. Again, it is hard to find myself mingle with the Taiwanese (mostly) parents. We have been trying to take advantage of the night off to hang out. So far, just once!

Our Sat is the regular Awana night and Sunday evening is choir....plus the Sat soccer and volleyball, we really don't have too much time left. So, time really has flown by.

House:
It's not progressing as well as we'd like with the current architect. Maybe he is indeed as bad as my brother commented about him. So, we have been looking around and actually found some interesting lead. Really need to pray for wisdom on how to proceed from here. Sometimes this whole ordeal as I view it really gets to me and I vented on him. I am just not ready to make decision on thousands or dollars; and the thought of going through this for at least a year from now seems so grueling.....so it's so conflicting for me....I want to be supportive and yet I am stressed by it. I know I cannot walk away from it either....so, I feel like I am stuck in this project. Sigh.

Church
Doing Sat night these days really makes me feel it physically. Having to continue with Sunday morning for at least another month....I don't know...I just don't want to be I-can-do-it-all....someone even gave me material to start something with the kids on Sunday and my first thought was hello?! do I look like I have nothing else to do? but i got two girls interested anyways...I don't know how I can follow up with them. People seem to care and yet no too many actually do something about it. I wonder how long I will last before I become bitter which is a state I never want to be in. I am trying to avoid getting there as much as I can.

Work
It's work. I was shocked they actually cancelled the Nov shutdown citing things are slowly improving. But I have a feeling that once the reinstate the salary and eliminate the shutdown, they will have a substantial layoff first before that happens. So, we will see. I am not worried or I should say I cannot worry too much since it is absolutely out of my control. People ask me about what happen after the baby comes, I honestly have no idea. I think the only certainty is that I don't want to work full time. Beyond that, I have no clue. I just trust that He will guide the way when the time comes.

Friends on my heart....
- Visited Evie finally a couple weeks ago. She looked great considering what she had gone through. Pastor was upbeat even though he had to quit his job to help out. I admire her steadfastness...I can sense her surendering to His will and sovereignty. Not so much 'why me'; but somehow just found the strength to live and (homeschool!). I just pray for her suffering to be lessened and this illness be rid from her body soon.

- Alex and My's situation also weighs in my heart. She has opened up to me about her struggles and I feel just as helpless not knowing how to lessen their pain. I so wish they can see God in all of this....and so one day they will know without a doubt that He has carried them through and He was molding both of them in the process. So, besides praying and being there for them, we will probably feed them!

- Irona's coworker gave birth to a 3 month pre-mature baby and prior to that her husband just had a surgery for his cancer....not even mentioning it took them years to conceive.....I honestly don't know why they are being tried so heavily but the only thing I can hang on to is that He won't give us more than we can handle. I know the baby has been striving and doing well; I can sense that God is making them incredible witness for Him. I hope to visit the baby one day.

Moments with Ryan...

Today out of the blue we talked about life and death while we were driving....something about when mom and dad grow older and ryan said "I don't want you to die cause I won't see you again." I had to remind him of course mommy wants to be with you as long as she can but we will see each other in heaven. It was so poignant that it makes me realize how much I need to treasure my moments with him. Life is unpredictable...

How life is progressing

Baby Tsai
I am officially 22 weeks along and we are excited to find out it will be a girl! I guess part of me wants either gender. But I am glad I didn't place too much desire on either since I don't get to decide anyways. So, that's how it turned out and we are just grateful things are going well and uneventful.

I have been feeling the small kicks and somersaults these days. It never fails to amaze me and of course I almost forget what it was like. I must say I do enjoy being pregnant. I am definitely getting bigger. Gained like almost 8 lbs in the last month! Wasai!

My gratefulness goes beyond that esp. since finding out my friend who likely has to terminate a pregnancy due to a genetic condition. I cannot even begin to feel what they are going through. I just pray for them.

A lesson on obedience
Then after the church retreat, somehow I am more convicted than ever to just get things smoothed out with the leaders. It felt right to do it now. It was painful - trust me. Having to apologize for something I didn't think I was 100% at fault is tough. So, it took me one long night to put things in perspective. Irrespective to what others did, I felt God just wanted me to rectify my wrongs and that's all I needed to focus on. That's what happened. Toward the end of the night, we were also given the news of his departure which he only decided to confide with a few just in recent days. Right there and then, I knew God was gracious to ME! Had I learned the news without the having the air cleared, I would have to carry that burden with me for a long time. So, another example of blessing from listening to Him. So, what's gonna happen? I don't know. But perhaps that's better for both parties...and it's time to move on.

STLCCC
This past Sunday we helped put together a dinner gathering for the STLCCC in the bay area. It started from having Louisa in town, then the Pans, and it quickly grew to a 30 people reunion. It was definitely a blessing to see the familiar faces (at least more than 1/2 people I know). Just remembering the spiritual home I once had and the friendship I was able to carry with me to this day.

House
Looks like we are moving along with the private driveway issue. Met with the difficult neighbor and sorta got their blessing. He is some ex exec at Oracle and other startup. Found out he is also a leader at the presbyterian church. Then we also met the owner of the driveway. The Welshs are very nice and we had a great talk with them. The husband is a doctor and somehow we got to talk about the wife's Ob and sure enough it was Dr. Inouye. Instantly, we bonded. I even recommended the chinese doc to her as they are hoping to have more children.

The block party that we had last Sunday was also a good chance to meet the rest of the neighbors. I must admit the block is a very friendly and homey place. I just wish we can get the house built soon. But thinking about the amount of research and stress that we will have to go through makes me crinch. Perhaps I need to focus more to enjoy the process....

Just random things

Oh it's been over a month since my last post....so I am hoping to jot down some random thoughts before I forget!

Baby
- Everything is going well so far. We opted for the 2 genetic testings without NT and thankfully the result is negative. I am just grateful for not having to go through the stress of ammio as in my other friends. The wait they had to go through is quite dreadful. I hope sheirman's baby will be fine for the rest of testing.
- Kudos to Dr. Inouye again. During the 2nd apt, he had a hard trying to locate the heart beat; so instead of alarming me, he just got the ultrasound machine and found the little bean that way.
- Coming to almost 19 weeks, I have been able to feel the bean fluttering in my tummy. I am still in awe of it esp. I was watching some video clips of fetus growth. Seeing how the glob of substance just grow into a complex creature can only be the work of an all powerful God.
- Today we went to visit Eve and Stan's newborn. Boy, seeing her labor through the round the clock schedule brought back alot of memory. I really almost forgot about how hard it was during the first couple weeks.
- Tonight we had Irona and Eric over for a chat. Somehow we got to the topic of getting pregnant and we started sharing our story with them. It really reminded me of a greater responsibility that we have to share this testimony because indeed we have learned so much from it. Pray that they will not have to go through all these trials but just have the baby at His timing.
- Oh I also went through a rough patch with another couple who have had a tough time getting preg with 2nd. We did not share the news with them timing but they already have the knowledge. So, being on the other side of the fence, I knew exactly what not to do. She was kinda cold and nonchalant to both of us; but I know I cannot shy away from that. So, I mustered up some strength and wrote them an email to share the news and also to apologized for the delay in telling them. All is fine now (at least I don't feel the tension on my side anymore). I wish my rough relationship with another couple could end the same way. But never have I felt like they really reached out to me at all. So, still praying how to end the in-passe.

Ryan
- Thank God Ryan's willingness to speak Chinese has improved greatly after going to summer school. He memorized alot of poems and recited them proudly. We just need to be more disciplined ourselves in speaking to them in Chinese and making him speak at the same time.
- The other day while we were playing balloon in the living, all of a sudden he just stopped and started cleaning the living room. It was the most hilarious thing. He went on for at least 10 min. before picking up the racket again.
- My latest lesson with a 5 yr old is to relentlessly dig up the reason why they throw a tandrum. It really helps clear up misunderstanding on both sides. One good example was he got all upset because I did not let him eat snack before dinner. So, after he calmed down from his tandrum, I explained to him that he could get a snack if it is 30 min. before meal time. So, I instructed him to ask me about the timing next time. You know what, he got it. He now asks me about the timing and we both don't need to get upset.
- The other day he was screaming when his dad asked him to come out of a bath. After they both calm down, I explained to him screaming was not the right behavior and he needed to apologize; meanwhile, if he wanted to stay in the tub longer, he could ask nicely for 5 min. instead of screaming. So, understanding the frustration and giving him a tool to express his need is what helps to prevent future episodes.
- Even there are times when I accidentally hurt him while I thought he was just being difficult; so I got a chance to apologize tonight (but I had no idea how I hurt him as he claimed hehe).

House
- God has taught me to be submissive in this one. Rather than fighting it, I have been trying to understand that this rebuilding a house thing could be a blessing. Though the process will not be easy, it will definitely be a growing opportunity for both of us. I am determined to not let it be our stumbling block but one that bound us closer together. We try to pray regularly and specificially for it (which remind me we need to make up prayer tomorrow). To record God's blessing in every step.

Ok, I am getting tired. More to come.

A Blessed Weekend

The 2009 June weekend turned out to be one that is hard to beat. First of all, 6/19 marked out 10th anniversay (yes, it's been that long). My in laws made a special trip out here to celebrate Ryan's birthday. We definitely held a much larger party that I had envisioned. But it was all fun for those who were there. Then to top it off, my in law went ahead and helped us buy a lot in Saratoga - a lot that is deemed a rare find. So, all of sudden, life seems to have shifted to another gear. I have mixed feeling about settling down in an upscale area that does not quite fit our social class. But the turn of event that led up to the property almost seems impossible - first Charles had to spot the listing; then they found the time to check it out esp. when the parents could actually inspect it themselves (they had not come for over 3 yrs before this trip);lastly the seller would have to rescind his other offer to accept ours. All happened less than 48 hrs. - $1 million transacted. Just mind boggling to me.



So now there is still closing of the contract to be concerned about before we move on to the rebuilding part. To add to the saga, my architect overly ambitious brother is very much interested bidding for the job.



Today it's the first day of VBS.



I think I just need some down time right about now.

Living to the fullest

Since the life-death week that I experienced a couple weeks ago, I am definitely more conscious about letting things go while capturing what is truly important in life. At the end of last week, I got up on a Saturday morning unusually early and I was just filled with the urge to talk to my family in HK. I called my cousin who just had a baby and then her mom. It was good to know that they are doing fine and just excited about the new born. Then my last call was to my dad. The fellowship I had the night before with the Valley ladies reminded me about forgiveness does not start until someone says sorry. I asked God to help me so I mustered up some courage (yea it takes some guts to do it) and called my dad. Just told him I was sorry about the way I acted the other day on the phone. He just brushed it off as if he didn't mind about it. I guess that's how we made up.

Osward Chambers “We are not here to prove God answers prayer; we are here to be living monuments of God’s grace.”

I read yesterday the quote above and it really just hit me how often time we as christians focused so much on the first part and forgetting the second part. There is no need for us to prove if God answers prayer; because He does and just may not be the answer we like some times. However, the latter part is really up to us to choose whether to live as a testement to His grace especially while prayers are not answered or while prayers are denied. I know it is hard to do and yet that's the ultimate way to transcent the most painful trial that we may be in.

Life Is Not in Our Hands

Just when I thought the passing of auntie's sister is not shocking enough, I learned today that Pastor Sun's wife, Evie, is diagnosed of an aggressive form of breast cancer. Then Charles' friend's brother also died in a fall this week. I just felt like life just suddenly stands still forcing me to re-examine it as a whole. The only thing I can think of is 1) life is not in our hands and not take anything, any day for granted with love ones; 2) life is too short to live with regrets; let of of grudge and let loose a little; 3) anything and really not to be caught off guard should anything happen to us. God has already shown us many times over that He is in control no matter what life brings. Indeed, we never know what our future holds and should these misfortunate happen to us. But He promises to walk with us no matter what. Meanwhile, live life to its fullest and enjoy love ones while we can. Call them, hug them, visit them...

Life and Death

Just a couple days after our argument, a shocking email came through from Mandy....Auntie's older sister, who was an avid cross country biker, had fallen off and fell in a coma with little chance of survival. I just met her for the first time at the wedding 6 months ago. Who would have though she had only a few months on earth when they said their goodbyes?!

On the same day, Pangela finally broke the news of her pregnancy as well. All of a sudden, things seem to clear by whom life is being controlled. Just a week ago, Queenie gave birth to a little boy in place of her loss just a year ago.

Perhaps the jotting reminder is to really treasure love ones when we are with them. We just never know when our time is up on this earth.

Now, whatever argument we had seem to just fade in time. Dad and auntie are probably busy trying to get to London and take care of things. He alone can provide comfort in times like these.

All Things are indeed possible....

Yesterday Mandy called at her usual time and passed on the good news about the birth of Queenie's baby boy. At the time, I was just relieved and joyful to hear about the safe and fast (20 min!) delivery; but I awoke this morning and God reminded me something deeper to rejoice. This little one was born 2 weeks early and barely made it in the month of May. I remember Mandy mentioned about how it would be bitter sweet for the parents that the baby's due date was around the same time as baby nichelle's passing. Isn't God so gracious? I just cannot help but tear up thinking about that. Not only is He gracious in blessing them with this baby boy so soon after what happened but even right down to the birth-He timed it so perfectly. Now the family can have time and space to remember his sister while being free to rejoice for the newborn. Honestly, I didn't even pray to that detail but hey who am I to know =). I hope the parents too will see the hands of God in all of these blessings.

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May 29
Impossible Flowers
"For with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37). Far up in the Alpine hollows, year by year God works one of His marvels. The snow-patches lie there, frozen with ice at their edge from the strife of sunny days and frosty nights; and through that ice-crust come, unscathed, flowers that bloom.
Back in the days of the by-gone summer, the little soldanelle plant spread its leaves wide and flat on the ground, to drink in the sun-rays, and it kept them stored in the root through the winter. Then spring came, and stirred the pulses even below the snow-shroud, and as it sprouted, warmth was given out in such strange measure that it thawed a little dome in the snow above its head. Higher and higher it grew and always above it rose the bell of air, till the flower-bud formed safely within it: and at last the icy covering of the air-bell gave way and let the blossom through into the sunshine, the crystalline texture of its mauve petals sparkling like snow itself as if it bore the traces of the flight through which it had come.
And the fragile thing rings an echo in our hearts that none of the jewel-like flowers nestled in the warm turf on the slopes below could waken. We love to see the impossible done. And so does God. Face it out to the end, cast away every shadow of hope on the human side as an absolute hindrance to the Divine, heap up all the difficulties together recklessly, and pile as many more on as you can find; you cannot get beyond the blessed climax of impossibility. Let faith swing out to Him. He is the God of the impossible. --Selected

Confirmed

Finally on May 20th, we had our first look at the tummy. Dr. Inouye looked a bit older to me this time around. He still remembers Mandy and her complication as well as her move to overseas. His only son, also named Ryan, is quite a handsome mixed 7 yrs old.

The machine is more advanced than when I remember it. He said it produced better ultrasound pictures. After moving a couple times across the tummy, he found the sac with the little baby wiggling inside. Of course, the big head dominates and one could barely see the extremities. But he said it's definitely there. Then he proceeded to measuring it and it read 9 wks 2 days which is just a day from actual. He also confirmed the due date to be Dec 22. It would be an interesting one to get to stay home longer. He handed 3 pictures to us in the end.

Then he went on to explain all the latest blood tests related to genetic diseases. Things sure have changed alot in the past few years.

I am just thankful that things are going so far so good. Let it be as unevenful as last time, well except during labor. Little Ryan took about 16 hrs to come out.

We went back to affirm the people we told that things are going fine. I didn't know that one other lady had been praying for us; so a friend of mine related the news. I am grateful that God has provided people to have a heart to pray for us.

This long weekend we are kinda free to ourselves since most of his friends are going to the spring retreat. We might end up exploring Angel Island and hope to find a place to stay overnight. When I am off next week, there are plenty of things to take care of - one of which is to plan for his birthday party!

Life continues.

Busy Weekend

When it comes to end of the school years, everything seems to happen all at the same time. This weekend is definitely packed with activities. Music school performance, choir practice and then performance, Awana award ceremony, and on top of that I happened to schedule the pedicure treat with Suszan and My on the same weekend. Of course, I also had to book Rena, who just came back from China, for a steak dinner on Sunday night. In between all that, I had to buy a pair brand new white shoes for his choir. With bargaining mindset ingrained in me, I had to make a couple trips to stretch my buck. So, needless to say now we are glad that we can finally lie down for a breather. The thought of going to work tomorrow is definitely not welcoming.

Speaking of Awana, it was great to have the privilege to hand out awards to these kids. Most of them were excited to have their name called and some even jumped up to get the award. I am just drawn by the innocence and purity of this age. I know I will miss them and esp. Ryan at this age. Praise God also that He has brought someone who would be interested in taking over Cubbie for me. God truly provides, at the right time.

Ryan's music performance went pretty well. He definitely was better prepared at the choir one cause at least he did not freeze on stage and was actually enjoying himself singing and doing the motions. Seeing the big kids do the musical afterwards, I actually was moved to tears as they sang their hearts out praising God. Perhaps I was subconciously imagning Ryan being in it one day.

Finally, we are down to counting down days to see Dr. Inouye. I still have bad thoughts but I try not to dwell on it. It's all in His hands anyways. So hope it all goes well. Nowadays, I just need a lemon drink in my hand whenever the hormones kicks in. I am so thankful too that in another week there will be shutdown. I am grateful beyond words for the forced time off; I would have never thought when I went back to work such a thing would be possible. But He made it possible. This part time job is perfect for me at this time. Thank God!

I have also been praying for a couple things consistently.....one is for salvation of my in-laws' family as well as my dad. Another one is for true born again experience for Josh and also for him to have a wife who fears the Lord. I know my dad feels very helpless when it comes to his private life; and I told him that just like me pray for him. I am very frank about that with Josh as well. If he has any fear in the Lord, he would know that God will do something. I just wish he would pursue God with the energy that he pursue the world.

I also try to remember praying for Queenie who is due in a month. What a difference a year makes. We recommended Nathan - Gift of God to mankind for the baby boy's name. Truly he is a gift from above that is meant to comfort them. God surely does not let us go through things beyond what we can endure. Pray for smooth delivery and healthy first year.

I should get back to doing other mindless things to relax before I go to bed.

Karen

Bloating big time

On Friday, I made a smoothie juice in the morning intended to be consumed right a way. But I didn't get to it until after work. So, I just chucked it before dinner thinking I should at least filled my stomach with good stuff. Then Charles made a fish head hotpot and lobster (he remembered me saying we weren't going out to eat, so he was smart enough to buy some good food to cook). I ate a couple bowls of soups and fish etc. Afterwards, oh my goodness, my stomach just ballooned up like I was 4 months. I had to pace around and finally I told Charles we needed to take a Costco trip to buy some stuff and allow me walk some more. I got prune juice and dried plum to make sure I am regular in the meantime. The bloated stomach symptom is definitely one I don't recall to experience so early on. As I read more on the internet, half of the women suffered from it. It is hormone related and the only thing one can do is to eat less amount and make sure digestion system is flowing. But boy that sensation is so uncomfortable that it is hard to just sit for a long time.



I must say the sense of taste is affected more strongly this time. My craving is between hot/spicy and sour. Kimchi is my friend and funny that I actually read about it contains some good probiotics and it is good for pregnant women. I couldn't resist a spicy ramen bowl this morning for breakfast (no desire for bread or other stuff). I have also had my eyes set on a bowl of seafood spicy noodles and finally got my treat on Sat for lunch. But I didn't think it was spicy enough so I might have to go back to chef lu next week. Today, Charles thought up to make hot and sour soup. You gotta give him credit sometimes. It hit the spot. I even have enough left over for a couple lunches!


I don't know how long I can hide this from work. But for as long as I can I suppose. I am just amazed at the timing of it all. I still remember having a little worry about once I started to work, when should I start trying so that I won't leave too early and not wait too long to try etc. I guess God already had it all planned out.


Now I just pray that I will be able to switch my time off so that I can carry out the VBS in June.

Turning 6 weeks

I finally felt the tug in my pants and probably need to dig up some preggo clothes that were packed away in a closet somewhere. My constant craving is spicy food. I had Indian last week....tonight had to make some kimchi fried rice. I must say the nausea seems to be worse this time around...not so bad that I would go puke; but just seems to last throughout the day. My tummy is always bloated. Man this isn't gonna be an easy one.



Dear God, I thank you for the baby is still growing in me. I pray that You hands will continue to knit its facial features and form its vital organs perfectly. I pray that You will give us peace throughout this amazing journey together. I almost forget the incredible miracle of life that only You can give. I pray that I would fix my mind on being thankful and trusting in Your sovereignty and goodness.



Amen.

I wish I had journal'ed last time while I was carrying Ryan. I had no clue how I went through the few weeks up until my first appointment. Perhaps the tendency for bad thoughts were less just because the road getting there was not as painful and that I was younger. But this time around, I need to constantly remind myself to take 'my thoughts captived to Christ'. I need to stop analyzing all the symptoms or non-symptoms daily. I found the following poem and I really need to meditate on it instead of worrying. It is not in my control anyways. I can only pray for this precious life to thrive day by day, week by week. There are 5 more weeks before finding the truth. That sure seems like eternity. But it sure paled in comparison to years of waiting. I just need to relax and pray and rest in the goodness of God.



One thing I craved the same sour/spicy thing as last time. Kimchi is my fav.!



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Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy
This life you have given us is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,safe in the womb of flesh and hope,yet subject to danger and death.O God of love, creator of life,hear our prayer.We want this baby so much.Please grant this child of ours a full term of nurture,the joy and mystery of life,and the blessing of your love.Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,a baby to cherish and protect,a child to teacHi Friend,
I am excited to offer you this prayers that you can pray for your unborn baby.
Prayer:
Father, in Jesus name I worship you. I bless you and give you praise. Father, I come to you in Jesus' name and through the blood of Jesus Christ to ask you to protect and bless the baby in my womb.
Thank you Father, that every good and perfect gift comes from you. I am happy that I am pregnant. You have blessed me with a baby.
Lord you said all that you create or created is good (Genesis 1: 25). I thank you, Father, that the baby already formed in my womb is your workmanship created in true perfection according to your power. Father, all your works are beautiful and magnificent to behold. They are wonderfully finished. All your works are perfect, for every good and perfect gift comes from you (James 1:17). I thank you for a perfect baby in Jesus' name. I condemn every tongue that has risen against me and my baby, in accordance with your word. My baby will grow well. I shall put to bed a very healthy child. I cover the baby in my womb with the precious blood of Jesus.h and guide,a blessing to our family.Amen.

As I am reading this devotion, I thought just how true that is.

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April 24
When God Says No
"There hath not failed one word of all his good promise" (1 Kings 8:56).

Some day we shall understand that God has a reason in every NO which He speaks through the slow movement of life. "Somehow God makes up to us." How often, when His people are worrying and perplexing themselves about their prayers not being answered, is God answering them in a far richer way! Glimpses of this we see occasionally, but the full revelation of it remains for the future.
"If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart,And the sunlight is golden, the sky is blue,While the smooth road beckons to me and you,And the song-birds warble as on we go,Pausing to gather the buds at our feet,Stopping to drink of the streamlets we meet,Happy, more happy, our journey will grow,If God says 'Yes' to our prayer, dear heart. "If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart,And the clouds hang heavy and dull and gray;If the rough rocks hinder and block the way,While the sharp winds pierce us and sting with cold;Ah, dear, there is home at the journey's end,And these are the trials the Father doth sendTo draw us as sheep to His Heavenly fold,If God says 'No' to our prayer, dear heart."
Oh for the faith that does not make haste, but waits patiently for the Lord, waits for the explanation that shall come in the end, at the revelation of Jesus Christ! When did God take anything from a man, without giving him manifold more in return? Suppose that the return had not been made immediately manifest, what then? Is today the limit of God's working time? Has He no provinces beyond this little world? Does the door of the grave open upon nothing but infinite darkness and eternal silence ? Yet, even confining the judgment within the hour of this life, it is true that God never touches the heart with a trial without intending to bring upon it some grander gift, some tenderer benediction. He has attained to an eminent degree of Christian grace who knows how to wait. --Selected
When the frosts are in the valley,And the mountain tops are grey,And the choicest buds are blighted,And the blossoms die away,A loving Father whispers,"This cometh from my hand";Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand. If, after years of toiling,Your wealth should fly awayAnd leave your hands all empty,And your locks are turning grey,Remember then your FatherOwns all the sea and land;Blessed are ye if ye trustWhere ye cannot understand.--Selected

Whatever is truthful

Just finished 5th week. I never had severe symptoms last time and this has just been the same so far. Just mild nausea on and off; bloated; not much food adversion; just today really felt the breast tenderness. Funny thing is Charles is experiencing more symptoms that me hahaha. So, if I had to wait till June to see Inouye, I guess I just have to take my mind off of it and trusting that everything is in God's hand.



Poor Ryan..one of his front teeth may be dying. He had a run in with a classmate at school. Now dentist just said it would not be a big deal if it is thoroughly dead without infection. I am just praying that is the case. Poor baby.



My dad called late last night to talk about the housing issue. Then I had to tell him cause I probably cannot make it in Dec. So, he went on to complain about Josh and Mandy. Sigh. For Josh, I truly feel like prayer is the only thing I can do for him and perhaps the most powerful one. He intellectually believes in the existence of God but he still lives in his old self. I truly believe that my dad will see God through His work in Josh. I sense that he feels very helpless when it comes to his son.



I am tired. But I still have a call to make for work. I wonder how long I will last.

Delayed Blessing

What a timing read!

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April 19
Delayed
"Know of a surety that thy seed shall be sojourners in a land that is not theirs; . . . they shall afflict them four hundred years; . . . and afterward they shall come out with great substance" (Gen. 15:12-14). An assured part of God's pledged blessing to us is delay and suffering. A delay in Abram's own lifetime that seemed to put God's pledge beyond fulfillment was followed by seemingly unendurable delay of Abram's descendants. But it was only a delay: they "came out with great substance." The pledge was redeemed.
God is going to test me with delays; and with the delays will come suffering, but through it all stands God's pledge: His new covenant with me in Christ, and His inviolable promise of every lesser blessing that I need. The delay and the suffering are part of the promised blessing; let me praise Him for them today; and let me wait on the Lord and be of good courage and He will strengthen my heart. --C. G. Trumbull
Unanswered yet the prayer your lips have pleadedIn agony of heart these many years?Does faith begin to fail? Is hope departing?And think you all in vain those falling tears?Say not the Father hath not heard your prayer;You shall have your desire sometime, somewhere.Unanswered yet? Nay do not say ungranted;Perhaps your work is not yet wholly done.The work began when first your prayer was uttered,And God will finish what He has begun.If you will keep the incense burning there,His glory you shall see sometime, somewhere.
Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered,Her feet are firmly planted on the Rock;Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,Nor quails before the loudest thunder shock.She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,And cries, "It shall be done"--sometime, somewhere.--Miss Ophelia G. Browning

Waiting

I called my primary yesterday and she insisted that I'd do another urine test at the clinic; and I was like you must be kidding me. So, I ignored her and called up my ob's office and immediately I was asked to go in for blood test. What a difference in treatment.




So, now we are in the waiting game. Meanwhile, it's so hard not to let terrible thoughts come to mind. Perhaps that's why God put this verse in the good book...




Philippians 4:8 (New International Version)
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.




This morning, Ryan suddenly complained about pain in the scrotum. I looked up the web and got freaked out. It could be something serious. We prayed and we made him pray as well. By the time he was seen by the doc, the pain went away. Whew! It was quite a scary moment just not knowing what it could be. I think all the things happened lately just reminded me of the power of prayers. So, I even told Josh I would pray for a God fearing wife for him consistently from now on and that he should be 'scared'. Instead of nagging and preaching him, praying would be a more potent 'weapon' to his self-centered life right now.


still waiting...supposedly a 24 hr test. - 1 pm




Great Dr. Inouye is on vacation; more waiting. - 3 pm



Finally the on-call Dr. assistant called "Congratulations Mrs. Tsai" - 4 pm



And we had Italian for dinner.

Cautious Joy

We began Chinese herbal treatment about a month and a half ago. At the time, the real motivation was really just that 'it can't hurt' mentality. So, instead of blowing off the insurance money on massages; I just found a doctor whom I vaguely remember specializes in my area of needs. So, that started the daily brewing of the herbal medicine and chucking 2 large glasses day and night. While Charles gobbles up tons of big black pills that he claims has made him extremely tired (yes he sleeps alot on the weekend). This week's treatment would mark the end of what my insurance money can afford. Meanwhile, I postponed the Stanford appointment and the earliest appt for this new Dr. happens to be today.



Two days ago, when my AF is supposed to come, only a small brownish thing instead. It is not unusual as a precursor to the full blown thing; but what was out of ordinary was the real thing did not come at all. So, I started to rationalize....checking out the web....then catching myself not to get too far ahead with just that. Cautious joy. Meanwhile, I prayed that my heart would be guarded and that it would be definitive one way or the other.



Then 2 days passed. I decided to take my BBT because I knew it would not lie. It was 97.7. Inconclusive but definitely higher than what it should be if AF were to come. Still I was cautious and I was determined to make my normal acupuncture appointment last night. I just want to make sure if it could be due to the herbal med. Dr. Liu said no and in fact I could finish taking the med. (In our conversation, I can tell he is a Buddhist talking about fate and cause/effect. If this turns out to be a happy news, I am obligated to make the God in my life known to him.)



This morning, right around 7 am, it was time for BBT again. I resisted from taking any test but I had to know whether I should cancel Stanford appt or not. I wondered if God is that poetic? Letting me know on the day I am supposed to see the infertilily doctor? It is truly when our road ends that is when His begins. The BBT came back higher 98.1. So, with that, I dug up some left over test strips and did the test. Twice.



I was not in tears, shocked or overwhelmed seeing the faint line appeared. I think I was just filled with thankfulness. As I was trying to find neat ways to break the news to Charles, I couldn't. So, I just told him he could stop swallowing those black pills and he knew. He was happy and he prayed. The first thought came to my mind was we needed to pay Pastor Cheng a visit because he earnestly prayed for us.



I think I am slowly realizing what a miracle I am experiencing (99% true...). We prayed for this 'cup' would pass - the 'cup' for having to go through more needles and meds. We knew the pain and burden it would have on us. God spared us. Thank you thank you. (Perhaps this year finally is the time for us to settle in a home. God's timing - what can I say?!)



As I was walking Ryan to school, my mind was just flooded with the memory of pains that I struggled through and each time I was asked to simply obey and serve His people while I waited. It was not just to wait for 1 yr, 2 yr, 3 yr, but 4 yrs. I was definitely not a saint throughout these waiting years for I had had my ups and downs. In the end, I could only focus on the blessings - the friendship I was able to make with many chinese moms and those that were deepen because of it; discovering my gift in teaching preschoolers; given this job at the end of my 1 yr service to the moms so unexpectedly; learning again to trust God's goodness and that when I look back (as I am doing now), I know why I had to wait. I know the journey is not yet over; but I am hopeful and I pray for a healthy one to behold.



Thank you God.



Karen

I am either careless or simply dangerous

You know I think I am both. I know I am not a person who pays attention to detail and in many occasions that have gotten me in terrible consequences. My rap sheet is getting longer and I am almost too embarassed to share. I guess it started with leaving stove on with a pot on it and I managed to repeat this feat 3 times. (Thank God this house still stands) I guess the worst one has to be THE incident where I cut a piece of my thumb off. (ouch! I look at it now and try to recall what it was like right after the incident, I am amazed at God's healing power). Then recently, I exploded a non-pyrex glass pot. Thankfully, I was spared of any serious injury; only that there are remnant of the explosion marked on the floor. Then tonight, I cut a little tiny bit of Ryan's ear skin as I was giving him a haircut. ARGH. I think I need to take away knifes/scissors or heat producing objects from myeslf.

I think taking even a step back, perhaps my problem is that I just need to slow down in whatever I do. Poor Ryan got this trait exactly from me. "I want it, I want it now!" and occasionally he would add "That's not fair!" to which I respond "Life is not fair, Ryan."

It is a constant battle to try to teach him delay gratification. We will have to be persistent for his own good in the long run. Meanwhile, let's pray for incident free the rest of 2009!

When that $ is lost

When the statement from Charles' investment came last year, it finally confirmed my fear that the untimely investment went down about 50%. It is an area of our lives that I have had the hardest time to avoid bringing up. Partly because I had warned him beforehand and it turned out that I was right. It is difficult to be right and yet still lost in the end. But anyways, what made me want to write this post was not about my lamenting the loss of money; but more about what spiritual effects it has had on me. I remember thinking back then that how great it would be to give away all those money that we recklessly lost to the world to God's kingdom?! So, even in the midst of feeling less wealth off, I was encouraged to be more generous for the kingdom.

Just when I was trying to exercise that thought, I got a quick reminder.....

I may be about to lose out of claiming a few thousands of pre-tax money that I am rightfully entitled to. The case is still in appeal; but I feel like it's the same lesson all over again. I asked God, who do you want me to bless this time? His school came to mind several times. So, here is my promise to God that if the appeal is to my favor, 10% will go to bless the God fearing teachers at his preschool. Meanwhile, I can only pray for a favorable outcome!

Yes, indeed, money is just a mean to make life easier for ourselves and others. It doesn't serve any good purpose if it is just sitting there electronically! (well, of course some rainy day saving is a good advice :)).

Easter Weekend

As it has been for the past couple years, we spent our Good Friday service with the local Valley church. This year I definitely saw a marked difference in how much Ryan understood the service (well, even though he finally fell asleep toward the end). When it was time for communion, we whispered to him that only if he knew Jesus died for him then he could participate. So, he acknowledged and so he did. It was almost another sign of him growing up. Now he goes to bed besides needing the usual book time, he also demands the mommy praying time with him. I wish I could record a child's prayer. It is the most heartfelt and pure thing. As big as wanting a sibling to as trivial as hoping a school friend to behave properly the next day. He says those prayers just as earnestly. Perhaps my own prayers can just be as simple.

My First Blog

I have finally given in to blogging. The only thing that did it for me was the fact that I want to have a way to remember things esp. all the ones that Ryan said or did. I'd figure years from now I would even enjoy reading my own journal!

So, how has life been?! Hmm...it's shocking to think that it's almost a year since I started working again. The job literally fell on my lap right before the biggest bubble in history burst; and I am still employed. Often time I wonder about the timing and all. I am not sure. Perhaps it was a way to distract me from thinking about other fruitless things; perhaps it was His provision so we could afford Ryan private schoolling; perhaps this is simply a time for me to be placed in a working world; or perhaps we could learn to be generous with our giving esp. after seeing some of our investment could just be halved in an instant. But whatever the purpose may be, I am just taking one day at a time. Be thankful, be generous yet cautious; be joyful with the extra free time with shut-down!

On the other hand, it is Charles' job that is going through more turbulance. He has to decide what group he wants to join as his team is being integrated with another department. I am surprised to see him stressed as it is quite unusual. I mean you can hardly phase him with anything (well, other than depriving him of good food). Perhaps it's the imminent change that is hard to deal with. Afterall, he has not had to change department for the past 8 years!

For Ryan, I think he enjoys school. He tells me about the pretend games they play and he would be the daddy. He is very bad about finishing up his lunch and his excuse has always been "Cause I talk too much...". One time I had to request for him to be placed by himself during lunch. I am not sure if it helped. So, I tried to pack stuff he most likely would consume. There are sure bets like the dumplings, cheese&egg sandwiches, and chinese sausages. We had to buy these homemade sausage w/o preservative from this Taiwanese bakery. Yesterday, he had a little bit of my korean spicy instant noodle and he LOVED it hahaha.

On thing I want to note down is Ryan's reading progress. He has not made significant progress in reading and I know mostly because of my fault. My lack of patience when I was teaching him when he was little contributed to his lack of interest to read - or should I say confidence. Yeah kinda suck esp. he made good progress even when he was 3. So, finally I learn from this chinese puzzle game we bought in HK. It has a book of puzzle classified in 3 different levels. He started doing level 1 where they were really easy. I could see his confidence and interest built as he checked off each one he finished. Obviously, the same idea could be applied to anything, like reading. Moreover, I have always wanted to start a reward system with him but nothing lasted more than a week. So, this time, I combined the two ideas together. He would start reading simple books (I mean really simple ones). He gets to earn a point every time he finishes a book. Once he accumulates 10 points, he can get a reward. (BTW, any bad behavior will get point taken off). Well, here is the fun for him. We borrow the Wheel of Fortune idea where we use a die to determine his reward. Since there are only 6 faces to a die, we pre-determined what the 6 rewards would be. I'd figure if he is bored with the reward, we will change it as we go along. So far, he has rolled the die twice! The instant result was he would initiate reading on his own when he is at home or at the library - which never happened before! Yes, he would even make you sit down to hear him read so he can record his point. So, thank God for wisdom in parenting! I think I have already believed that providing positive experience is important for a child to learn but the bigger lesson for me is the impact of negative attitude in teaching is that difficult to revert. Now, I have experienced it both ways, I shall remember that lesson and apply to his other areas of learning. (One thing we have kept telling Ryan is perverance. He used to skip over or just got frustrated whenever he sees an unfamiliar word. Now, he is willing to try because his trying is met by positive feedback instead of my harsh words. Sigh...shame on me for losing the precious time!)

BTW, here are a few Ryan's thing I started to jot down:
Dec 2008
Ryan: 'Mommy I know how B and D sound, 'Baaa' 'Duh'' This is after me praising his cousin for being a good reader and he had to claim some glory for knowing how these letters sound in a weird way.

Feb 2009
Mom: 'Do you want to have a different mommy?'
Ryan: 'No'
Mom: 'A different daddy?'
Ryan: 'No, but I want a different cousin.' - ah, that would be Michelle

Mar 2009
Ryan:'You were the one who woke me up.'
Mom: 'How?' this is after he had a high fever...
Ryan: Changed the voice to imitate mine 'Do you want some medicine? Do you want some water?'

Mar 2009
Dad: 'I had to take some pain-killer today.'
Ryan: 'Are you gonna die?'

Apr 2009
After I tugged him in bed, he said:
Ryan:'Mommy, come back and I will tell you a secret.'
Me:'Just tell me now.'
Ryan: whispering...'Thank you dad and you for putting my bike together.' (that happened 2 wks ago.)